I thought about writing to Josie’s prompt “What are the voices in your head saying today” but to be honest I don’t think I’m ready to share that. My blog is very personal and very honest but I stop short of giving you verbatim what is actually going on in this head of mine. If you knew you might decide to stop reading me, if you knew you might realize I’m just some huge great fraud. If you knew you’d see how frail and pathetic I really am. You’d see my flaws, you’d see my fears, you’d see my failings. You might judge me, might hate me, might see me in the flesh.
I tell you the truth here, I speak my mind, I am real, I am honest. But you get the filtered version, the edited highlights, the spin. I can’t tell you about my fears about my children, I can’t tell you about my worry I will die young, I can’t say how much I love them it scares me, because if I do I will realize it is real and I will be too scared to continue.
The voices in my head are not generally my friends. I have worked hard to like them to make them like me, but in reality they are brutal. They don’t care so much about feelings, they don’t care so much about hurting me. They tell it like it is and it’s all I can do to shut them up and sing loudly enough to drown them out.
The voices in my head are not friends, they tell the truth and mostly that’s not what I want to hear.