So here it is.
If I were to cry like you do every time you defy me, every time you say no to me, every time you won’t do as I ask. If I were to scream at you for not wanting to wear pyjamas, for not having your hair brushed, for not wearing a hat, for not sitting at the table to eat your dinner, would you give up being my daughter?
I am not a natural mother, I am not a very good mother, I pay for my mistakes in the tantrums you have but I do love you unconditionally.
You are so little, you are working out what happens in the world and what happens when you do certain things. I know I am making a litany of mistakes with everything I do and every word I say. I am at the same time too lenient and too harsh. I am inconsistent. I am unpredictable. I get so down sometimes I just sit and cry and you see me and you ask me what’s the matter. Then you hug me and you try to wipe away my tears and I realise what a terrible person I am to expose you to that misery from the person you need to make the world right. I hate myself for it. I am a terrible mother, but I’ve said that already.
I wish I was possessed of the skill I see in other people, other people don’t have the problems with you that I do, you respond to other people. But not to me. I am the person whom you will always defy, you will rebel against me with all your will. But you will cry and scream for me in the night and I will always come because you are my daughter and I love you more than I will ever be able to say.
One day it might be easier, one day I might not feel as if every step I take is wrong, who knows one day you may even say yes when I ask you to wash your hands or if I can brush your hair. Maybe.
One day being a mother might feel natural. I might feel that I am doing it right or at least more right than wrong. One day I might not have to make the compromises I make today by working full time to pay the mortgage. But I am sad because I know then it will be too late, the damage will have been done and you won’t want me with you when you choose your wedding dress. I won’t be your pal I’ll only be your mother who never really understood you.
Of course I hope this will all be different. I have kept my wedding dress safe in case you would like to use it, I have written a blog so you will always know how loved you are and you can share some of my memories of your childhood one day. Whatever does happen I hope you will always feel safe and happy with me. It would be worth all the tantrums and all the screams if only you will always feel like that.